The Permanent Stand-in #1

Hey kls night! Welcome to YWS! Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that you should do two reviews befor you post any of your work. I'll crit this anyway but in the future remember to keep your writing to reviews ratio 1:2.
Review Key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/punctuation etc. I've inserted

kls night wrote:Chapter one


May 1
Well, today must be the worst day of my life. Me, mom, and Cameron went to the doctor [s]today[/s] to get our physicals for high school. [s]We weren’t that excited about the physicals, but we can’t wait for high school. [/s][s]Any who,[/s] when Cameron walked out of the doctor’s office and into the waiting room, I could tell something was wrong. Not just because her face was wet with tears or because our doctor, Dr. Henries, looked liked her cat got ran over by a truck. No, I knew something was wrong because Cameron is my twin and we’re connected [s]somehow.[/s] Cameron ran over to our mom and let loose more tears.
“What’s going on?” mom asked.
“If you could come with me,” Dr. Henries said. Mom stood up and led Cameron and me into the doctor’s office again. The scent of rubbing alcohol overwhelmed me Show us more of what it looks like . Dr. Henries guided us into a small room, that I assumed was her office, and told us to sit down. There were only two chairs so I let my mom and the still crying Cameron sit. Dr. Henries sat at the chair behind her desk. [s]I really don’t remember much of what Dr. Henries was saying. After her first sentence I must have been in shock or something, but I do remember the first thing she said[/s]. I know what you're trying to say but I don't like the way you've worded it. I think you should cut it out and go right into the dialogue
“Mrs. Connors, I found a cancerous growth on Cameron’s back,” Dr. Henries said softly.
Everything else she said went in one ear and out the other. Cameron couldn’t have cancer! It just wasn’t possible! We’ve had doctors look at the mark on her back and every doctor said that it was just a birthmark. [s]Then it hit me just as Dr. Henries was saying it.[/s] “Since Wednesday and Cameron are identical twins, I think it would be best if we checked her back as well.”
That hadn’t even occurred to me. I do have the same birthmark as Cameron. I had to hold onto my mom’s chair so I wouldn’t fall down. A nurse knocked on the door and took me to a different room for my physical. When the nurse was looking at my back, I swear, time stopped.
“I’m sorry to say that your birthmark is also cancerous,” the nurse said. Okay, in order to find out if somethings cancerous or not, they usually take a biopsy which means they numb the area with a needle and then they cut off a piece of the birthmark. I've had it done, so just try to get the procedure right I burst into tears. The nurse hugged me and told me that all they had to do is remove the birthmark and everything would be okay. After she wrote down something on her chart, she left the room. I got dressed and found mom and Cameron in the waiting room, but before they could see me, I slipped into the bathroom. No one was there so I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and called Kade.
“Hello?” Kade’s familiar voice made me feel relaxed. I tried to settle down, but I couldn’t help the oncoming tears.
“Kade, I might have cancer,” I managed to say between sobs. I leaned up against the bathroom wall.
“Where are you?” Kade asked.
“I’m at the doctor’s office.” I slid down the wall.
“Okay, call me when you get home and I’ll come right over,” Kade said.
“All right. I love you.” Please tell us who Kade is
“I love you too baby.” I hung up, put my phone in my pocket, and stood up slowly. I walked over to the mirror and tried to wipe away the mascara that ran down my face. After I composed myself, I left the bathroom and met mom at the front desk. She was talking with the receptionist about me and Cameron. I saw our car outside, so I decided not to wait for my mom. I walked out of the doctor’s office and opened our car door. Cameron was in the passenger seat (like always) so I got into the back seat.

Overall Comments:

You have a very interesting piece here. Here are some additional, general suggestions:

Slow down! everything was a bit too sudden. Show us what's going on. Show us what the doctor's office looks like. Show us what your main characters look like. Show us how they interact. If you hadn't told me they were identical twins I would never have been able to discern their relationship from your writing. Have them talk with one another, comfort each other. Bring the audience into your world. Make us feel their pain.

Some of your sentences are awkwardly worded. I cut out a few which I think could strengthen the piece. Keep a sharp eye out for words that don't feel right.

Emotion. I didn't see a lot of it. Other than the crying, there wasn't much at all. Show us how they feel. Is Wednesday scared? Is she extremley sad? Is she going to break down or is she just numb?

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!